Yes, you’ve read the title correctly. I love my kid but would be just as happy without him. Does this make me a bad mom? Let’s argue.

Okay, you may think I am selfish for writing this, but hear me out. I love my kid, I really do. But there are many moments when I wish I were back living my old kid-free life.

Like when he would scream in the middle of the night, and I just want to sleep. Or when he’s throwing a tantrum in the supermarket, and I just want to buy my damn milk in peace. Or when he’s sick, and I have to cancel all my plans.

Don’t get me wrong, I love being a mom. But it’s not always easy or fun. In fact, there are times when it’s really tough and exhausting. So yes, I sometimes wish I didn’t have the responsibility of motherhood.

Here is my defense or somewhat of an attempt at one. I never wanted children. I made it through my slutty twenties with not even a close call or near miss. As a matter of fact, an OB/GYN delivered the best news to me when she said I was unable to have children. I sailed into my thirties with no care in the world. I had just been promoted to a senior rank and was enjoying life. Work was hard, but I played even harder. Everything was swell!

Can everyone remember the day they conceived their child or children? I can! It was a cold winter’s day. Nah, I am just kidding, it was in the spring, the Saturday before Easter. I should probably have been getting ready for church the next day, but I had something else on my mind. (I hope my granny is not reading this) Anyway, nine months later, my bambino was born on a cold winter’s day (for real this time).

I was so excited to be a mom. I had visions of us going to the park, pushing him on the swings, and playing catch. Instead, I was up all night with a colicky baby who cried for hours on end. The only time he was quiet was when he was eating or sleeping. And even then, I had to use that downtime to get caught up on chores or other tasks left neglected.

Here are some of the freedoms I lost since having a kid:

• The ability to sleep through the night
• Going to the bathroom in peace
• Showering without an audience
• Eating food that isn’t cold because I had to heat it up 3 times already
• Wearing clothes that don’t have spit up or food on them (Glad I passed this phase)
• Having a clean house
• Spending my money on myself and not having to budget for the moocher
• A social life (Although my time as a soccer mom was kind of lit. Here is a secret, it’s not coffee in the cup!)
• A career (for some, he actually motivated me to do better, and I achieve more in my career)
• My body (specifically my perky boobs)

And the list goes on.

Looking back at what I just wrote, I realize I am coming off selfish as fuck. Maybe I let my tangent run a little long. My kid is not all that bad. In fact, I’ve received so many blessings having the little guy around. First is unconditional love. The little dude is always happy to see me with my flaws and all. Second, he is kind, polite, and dear I say an empath. Whenever I am feeling down, he just snuggles up to me, rubs my head, and tells me he loves me and that I will be ok. Finally, the kid is just amazing.

If there was a return policy on kids, I would still keep him. I love my kid more than anything in this world. But that doesn’t mean I don’t miss my old life sometimes. So, to all moms who feel the same way, I feel you. We are in this together! Let’s just hope our kids turn out okay despite our apparent lack of maternal instincts. However, If I could time travel back to that faithful day, I would probably cancel my booty call and get my ass ready for church.

Enjoy the randomness

~Xiana